SOC: a crush-that-wasn’t

if you’ll allow me a moment to self-aggrandize, i’ll imagine myself as the person you used to wait for at the tall table in the basement when you were alone eating lunch. i’m pretty sure you usually ate carrots. if that’s the first detail i get wrong in this confessional, feel free to skip it entirely. i’m happy to pontificate about pretend pasts any day or night. if this is you, read on, and do with it what you will.

listen, you were always the most gorgeous, even when you looked like you’d rolled out of bed ten minutes before our 10:30 class. especially when you looked like you’d rolled out of bed. you were earnest and hungry in that youthful way when time at college is still considered full of hopes and dreams and a future, and a desire to never grow up while growing old, even if you doubted yourself, which you did, like the rest of us. outside your air winded me gleefully, you seduced me into a friendly desire with your talk of board games and mary jane-filled youngster nights, a life i wanted to join in a time where i was losing myself to the comforts of heteronormalcy and a fearful existence. how could i have gotten over my shyness at how easy-cool-and-confident you were without losing what i’d worked for? but i digress.

you’re everything perfect in a girl, excuse me, a woman, a lady, a person. you’re funny, you’re smart, you’re fun, you enjoy life, you grouch like the best of ’em, i’m sure, you know how to dress, you slay the heck out of every costume you don, you like everything disney, coffee, games and food, and lana del rey. you know how to enjoy small things like family and art, you work hard to live your passion each day, and your eyeliner game is killer. you seem to straddle so many worlds with ease. your smile is perfect in that midwestern way. you’re real, and it’s so appealing.

the first i’d heard of you “out” was a coming out day sometime in the past and my heart jumpstarted at the flash in the newsfeed, back to morning classes, back to the basement, back to running into each other, back to winding down enough to chat for longer than a minute.

i haven’t seen you in years, so don’t take me seriously. once you were real, but between the two of us, the relationship is only one of a collection of zillions of former classmates, and it never went further than that, but allow me, if you will, to think that we could have been waiting for each other and never knew. even writing it sounds like bullshit, but it’s still 4am, and you’re still looking beautiful, miz katie.

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